Someone Else’s Miracle

Someone shared this story on my local mums WhatsApp group yesterday. 

I had heard a similar story before. Someone who had a baby that was stillborn and they held their baby close and miraculously it started to breathe.  I remember being in labour, having been told that Lentil had died, not willing to believe it. Sure that it would be OK once our baby was born, sure that they were all wrong. I held him so tightly when he finally arrived. I rubbed his back. I tried. I really did. But there was no miracle for us. No tiny movement. No whisper of a breath. Just my beautiful boy, getting colder and bluer despite my best efforts to keep him warm.

As I clicked on this video I knew I shouldn’t watch it. I was pretty sure about what was going to happen but watch it I did. I found myself internally screaming ‘I tried!’.  I almost felt like it was telling me I didn’t try hard enough. If I’d made him feel warmer, cosier, more loved, maybe he would have lived.

I’m a teacher and science is my specialism. I know that these thoughts have no basis in reality. Lentil died hours before he was born. There was nothing anyone could do. Yet something like that video, something that’s supposed to be so full of joy, really knocked me for six. 

I squeezed J tighter, I shared my thoughts with Paul. I cried while J watched the Mr Men to distract her from my minor meltdown.  

I am so happy with my life. I absolutely adore my little family but I will always miss my boy and I’m sure there will always be occasional meltdowns.  A teacher of mine once gave me a keyring like this.

 She said it was like me. Tough on the outside but soft on the inside. Recently I feel more like my jacket is made of glass but I’m sure that with time it’s gradually getting tougher.  

5 thoughts on “Someone Else’s Miracle

  1. Oh Becca, I’m so sorry you had to watch this. Whilst it’s amazing for this family, it’s one, very personal, very unusual situation, and for Johnsons to use it for marketing purposes is extremely insensitive to mums and dads who weren’t so lucky and who’s babies tragically didn’t move when they were born. It made me cry to watch it, so I can’t imagine how devastating it was for you. You know there was nothing at all you could do, but the cuddles you gave Lentil were still just as important and still just as filled with love. Take care m’dear x

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I find all the count the kicks stuff hard too and the people who saved their babies by noticing a change in movements, I will always wonder if I had been more vigilant would something be different.

    Your last comment about being tough made me think, I think I am a bit too tough in some ways and I can be quite mean, It’s hard to know how to be strong but keep the softness. Another post loss thing to wonder about!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I find that hard too, because I noticed a change in movement but Lentil’s heartbeat was being checked regularly and I was reassured. His heartbeat changed so suddenly, it was just too quick for anyone to do anything. The ambulance came immediately, the hospital were ready for us when we arrived but they just couldn’t get him out quickly enough. Even if you had noticed a change in movement it may not have saved Isobel. Maybe at some point we’ll learn to stop beating ourselves up but I can’t imagine that it will be anytime soon.
      I found it really hard when I was pregnant with J, I was constantly in and out of the hospital during the last week. I hated it when I’d phone in to triage to say I was worried and I was told to have a cold drink, lie on my side, call back in an hour if there was no change. Such ridiculous advice and it was met with a firm ‘no, I’m coming in now’ each time.
      I’m so glad that you are running your retreat and I really hope that there are more in the future and that we’ll make it to one of them. This affects everyone in such different ways. Sometimes I wish it had made me tougher, I imagine it’s easy to put walls up but I think I’ve definitely gone the other way! Xx

      Liked by 1 person

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s