Anxiously Waiting

This is another of those ongoing posts that I began writing a long time ago, I started this one before J had arrived but it’s finally time to share!
7th of April – This morning I received some top secret news, my sister is pregnant.  I’m so excited for her but I’m also completely terrified.  There are so many ‘what if’s’.  What if something goes wrong with Pip?  What if there are problems with the c-section and my sister has to see me go through something awful and deal with that extra stress while she’s pregnant?  My sister is diabetic and so pregnancy is fairly risky for her, what if something goes wrong for her?  What if I have to watch her go through the pain I went through in June?  But there are positive ‘What if’s’ too.  What if everything goes perfectly for both of us?  Lentil and Pip have a tiny little cousin growing away inside my sister.  I think that Lentil is happy with this news, on his way to work today Paul saw three rainbows, three!  I’m taking that as a sign that Lentil is excited at the prospect of a cousin.  I only wish that he was here to share in the excitement and to show Pip and his cousin how to do all sorts of things.  

It’s going to be an anxious few months.  My sister only had a positive pregnancy test this morning so it’s very early days!  I guess that her 12 week scan won’t be that far away from my c-section.  It’s so exciting to think that we will have children in the same year, they’ll be just six months apart.  I’m just keeping everything crossed that they’re both ok.

3rd of June – My sister recently had her twelve week scan and everything is going fine!  I’m so relieved.  It’s so close now to Pip’s arrival, I just want them to both be ok.

24th of November – So I started this blog post quite a while ago, my sister is currently in hospital in labour.  She went into hospital last night for monitoring due to unstable blood sugars and reduced foetal movement.  They decided to induce at 2 this morning. I’m such a mixture of scared and excited, she’s such a long way away and I wish I could be there for her.  I wish that we lived closer together.  My instinct is to drop everything and get in the car and drive to her but that’s easier said than done with a baby, a dog who is recovering from surgery, a physical disability and a husband with a full time job!  I’m glued to my phone waiting for news and just willing everything to be ok.

25th of November – My sister is still in hospital, still waiting for the baby to arrive.  I’m receiving occasional texts, the wait between news updates is agonising.  Hopefully it won’t be too much longer and then there will be some happy news to share!

It’s now 6pm and I’m still waiting to hear that my niece or nephew has arrived!  I last had an update around lunchtime and I’m desperate to hear that everything’s ok! I’m really hoping that she isn’t still in labour and that she’s happily enjoying new baby cuddles.  Thinking about my sister being in labour is hard, it brings back memories that I try to keep locked away.  I found it incredibly hard to sleep last night.  I just kept getting up to check my phone and I tried really hard to keep my mind occupied.  Repeating times tables over and over in my head has been my main background activity for the last 36ish hours. Anything to keep my mind busy and stop me thinking too much!  The longer it takes the harder it is to stop my mind wandering and to stay positive.  It’s so hard not to keep running through all of the different scenarios that could be unfolding.  I’m desperate to know that it’s all ok.

I had a text about 2.5 hours ago saying that it would probably be about two hours before my sister could start pushing.  At the back of my head I’m stuck on loop, thinking about Lentil’s birth, replaying it over and over in my head.  I can’t help but think of that last bit.  The pain of pushing Lentil out, the feeling of power and accomplishment that giving birth brings, the overwhelming despair at his silence.  I can’t seem to make it stop, whatever distractions I try, there it is, rerunning over and over at the back of my mind.  I feel so useless, I just want to know that she and the baby are ok.  It’s time for bed but I can’t see me getting much sleep, in all honesty I’m a bit scared to try.  I don’t want the thoughts that I keep pushing away to be able to take control.  I’m scared of switching off.  I guess it’s back to times tables and saying the alphabet backwards in my head!  I really hope for my sister’s sake it’s not much longer.  I keep thinking about everyone who was waiting for news when we were having Lentil and about how Paul had to phone our parents and tell them what had happened, I still don’t know how he found the strength.  I think I’m finding this harder than when I was waiting for J to arrive.  It’s so hard not knowing.  I just love my sister so much and I hate to think that she’s in pain or that anything could be going wrong for her.  I’m crossing everything that it won’t be too much longer and I’m going to try to get some sleep.  With my phone set at full volume just in case I do nod off!

26th of November – In the early hours of this morning I received a text telling me that I have a nephew, a gorgeous 6lb 13oz little boy.  My sister is fine, exhausted but fine.  I’m going to have to wait a few weeks before I can see them but I am so relieved!  I have to admit that there is a small part of me that feels sad though, having a little boy in the family is making me miss my boy more than ever.  I’m relieved that he looks nothing like Lentil, he’s much smaller and has completely different colouring.  He’s so gorgeous and I really can’t wait to meet him.

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