Capture Your Grief Week Four (And A Bit)


I’m supposed to share words of wisdom for newly bereaved parents.  It breaks my heart to think that others are going through the loss of a child.  There is no pain like it.  As cliched as it sounds, it gets better.  You just have to believe that it will.  One foot in front of the other, tiny steps.  Take each minute, hour, day, week, month as it comes. Let people in.  Set yourself tiny goals.  Allow yourself time. Grieve. Recognise the enormity of what has happened to you.


At Lentil’s funeral we played Have You Ever Been in Love by The Divine Comedy, I listened to it while I was pregnant, I listened to it while I was in labour.  I was, am, so in love with my boy.  He made me so happy for the short time that he was here.  It will always be his song.  Salsa music reminds me of him too as it was the only music that made him dance.  During my pregnancy I craved Quavers (which I normally hate) so they always make me think of him too.


How have I changed since losing Lentil?  I’m far more emotional.  I feel stronger in lots of ways but really fragile in others.  Is it weird to liken myself to an egg?  You stand an egg on it’s end and push on it and it’s incredibly strong but drop it and it shatters.  If I’m prepared for something I can cope, if something takes me by surprise I crumble.

My priorities have changed.  J comes above all else, maybe that would have happened anyway had Lentil lived but I’ll never know the person I would have become had he lived.  I find it harder to trust myself and my instincts.

Day 25. I AM 

I wish
that J could grow up with her big brother.

I remember
how happy Lentil made my husband and I.

I could not believe
how quickly our lives were shattered.

If only
 he’d lived.

I am


Oddly I think that baking helped to heal me in the beginning.  It gave me something to do, something I could achieve.  Something lighthearted to write a blog about.  Sewing helped too.  Just little achievements.  Things I could quietly get on with without having to talk to anyone or force a smile.

My friends and family and their support have been amazing and I couldn’t have got through this without them.  

J, she heals me with every smile, every giggle mends my heart a little more.


I’m so lucky to have a wonderful family and to have expanded it with the most wonderful in laws.  Living in our little house, just over two years ago, we were a family of 3, my husband and I and our dog, Maisy.  Now we are a family of 5.  It sometimes worries me that in a few years J will start school and she’ll say that she has a hairy sister and a brother who makes rainbows.  They’ll think we’re all mad!  


I’m not necessarily that great at self-care.  I find it hard to take time out for me.  Writing this blog does help to give me headspace and allow me to have some time just for me.


Today encourages everyone to do something kind for someone as helping others often helps you. I always try to be kind to others, as a child I was always buying food to give to people selling the big issue and wanting to buy Christmas presents for those who are less fortunate than me.  I think over time I’ve become more scared and more cynical as I rarely seem to do this anymore.  I think that the last time I bought a cake for someone selling the big issue was last Christmas!  I recently saw that a local charity that helps homeless people needed sleeping bags so today I have ordered one to be delivered to them in the hope that it will keep someone warm this winter. 


I promise to do good in your name, to keep your memory alive by sharing your love.  I promise to love your sister enough for both of us.  I promise to look after your dad and give him an extra squeeze when he sees a dad with his son and can’t help but think of all he’s missing out on.


I’m really glad that I took part in this project although I feel that at times my responses to the prompts have been rushed.  It’s made me realise that I do need to take time out for me and that I still need to allow myself time to grieve.


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