What if…?

My c-section is in about two weeks and my anxiety levels are pretty high.  A few days ago we went in for monitoring, Pip had been a bit quiet and I was starting to panic so we decided it was best to get checked out.  All the way to the hospital I was wondering about the different outcomes.  Would I be rushed in for an emergency c-section?  Would I be holding Pip in my arms that evening?  Would Pip make it?  Would I be accused of being a neurotic mess and told to stop being so silly?  Thankfully everything was absolutely fine and everyone was brilliant.  I was hooked up to a monitor for about 45 minutes, I also saw a consultant and she carried out a scan (our thirteenth) although unfortunately we couldn’t get any pictures as Pip’s head is now too far engaged to see his or her face clearly.  We were told that we should go in any time we are worried, that we did exactly the right thing.  They thought I was a bit dehydrated so I’m trying to keep my fluids up and stay positive.

Now that the big day is getting closer I’m becoming more worried about it all.  I’m so impatient to meet Pip and part of me wants Pip to come early so I can meet him or her but the other, far more sensible part of me, wants Pip to wait until the c-section.  I’m scared of it being an emergency.  I want a textbook c-section with no complications but I’m really scared that that isn’t what I’ll get.  Sometimes I have flashbacks of going in for the emergency section with Lentil.  My disability makes it pretty hard to get a line in and they were trying to get lines into my hands, feet and neck as quickly as they could.  They managed fairly quickly but it felt like forever.  Then I was told that Lentil’s heart had stopped and I had to deliver naturally.

I get so scared that it will be too slow, that my disability will cause complications that haven’t been considered.  I’m pretty oddly built, what if they cut into me and don’t find what they’re expecting?  What if they can’t get the epidural in?  I told my midwife and consultant about how worried I am and they have organised a meeting with an anaesthetist to talk it all through so that there will be a plan in place for getting a line in and giving me an epidural.  My meeting is on Tuesday so as long as Pip doesn’t decide to make an appearance before that I think it will reassure me.

I’m really worried about not being able to have an epidural and having to have a general anaesthetic instead.  I’ve had general anaesthetic a few times and I tolerate it really well (unlike my mum who stops breathing and is really sick for ages afterwards) so I’m not worried about the anaesthetic itself.  I’m terrified that something will go wrong and I won’t get to meet my baby.  What if something goes wrong and Pip doesn’t make it?  What if I’m asleep and I miss out on Pip being alive?  What if I lose too much blood and I don’t make it?  What if I never get to hold Pip while we’re both alive?  I know that we will be incredibly well looked after.  I know that the staff will do their absolute best.  I know that the chances of my worries coming to fruition are incredibly slim.  I just can’t make the ‘what if’s’ go away.  

I’m so in love with our baby.  I’m so excited about our future as a family but somehow I just can’t quite make myself believe that it’s going to happen.  I’m trying so hard to stay positive and keep smiling.  I can’t wait to prove to myself that my fears were completely unfounded.

6 thoughts on “What if…?

  1. Sending you lots of love, positivity and prayers. I can’t believe it’s only only 2 weeks away now. Try to relax, have you tried some meditation? Sounds all fluffy I know but it may help you at this time to relax and keep that anxiety in check xx

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    1. Thank you. I’m quite into all the hippy stuff. I do meditate sometimes, I used hypnobirthing last time. I just find I can’t use the hypnobirthing visualisations this time around as the connection is so strong with Lentil’s birth xx

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  2. I’m glad your care team is being responsive to your emotional as well as physical needs. I found that support invaluable but I had to deliver 86 miles from home each time and at that hospital it was a mixed bag of which staff were understanding and which found my worries an annoyance. Pregnancy hormones make us have crazy dreams and with the anxiety that is integral to a pregnancy after a loss it’s understandable when many of those vivid dreams are nightmares or manifestations of our fears. I look forward to seeing you holding Pip in your arms very soon.

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  3. I’m sorry to hear you are so anxious, I’m sure everything will be textbook for you. The best thing is that you are able to express your fears and get lots of support. You have been through such a painful trauma and this birth will really help you in a lot of ways. Roll on mid June! Xx

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  4. Whilst I haven’t been in your shoes yet, I reckon all your anxieties are so expected and normal. I hope Tuesday brings you some calm, and I hope the next few weeks go through event free. Much love to you all xxx

    Liked by 1 person

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