While I was pregnant with Lentil my brother-in-law got engaged to his very lovely girlfriend. I quickly got excited about the tiny smart outfit that Lentil would wear to the wedding. Wondering whether it would be a tiny suit or a little dress. I couldn’t wait to shop for that outfit. After Lentil died and the date was set for the wedding I couldn’t help but feel sadness that Lentil wouldn’t be there to share in his aunt and uncle’s special day. The wedding was on Monday, about 4 weeks before my planned section and so I also had major concerns that my waters might break whilst walking down the aisle. The bridesmaid giving birth during the ceremony definitely comes under the category of stealing the limelight!
I tried very hard not to get wound up about the wedding beforehand, it can be easy to get stressed worrying about something before it happens. I knew that I would miss Lentil on the day because it was something I had been so excited about sharing with him but I accepted that and was determined not to put a dampener on the day. The wedding was absolutely perfect, it was so lovely to see two people who I love so much being so happy and it was hard to feel any sadness in their presence.
Lydia Stamps Photography
A few times I did have to stifle a few tears, I’m emotional at the best of times and wedding vows often get to me. Their vows reminded me of the vows that Paul and I made to each other just over two years ago before we knew just how much we would value and need the love and support of each other. They also made me happy, seeing the love shared between the happy couple and of course I was happy to be gaining such a lovely sister-in-law. I was just scared that if I let even a happy tear fall they may not stop, a very round bridesmaid who may or may not suddenly go into labour is bad enough but you don’t want smudged make up and a red blotchy face added into the mix!
The next challenge was seeing Paul playing with his cousin, his cousin was born just before Lentil and seeing Paul playing with a little boy so close in age to where Lentil should be now stirred up all sorts of emotions. Sadness, happiness, pride, love. Paul is such an amazing person and he’s already been the best dad to Lentil and Pip, I just can’t wait for the rest of the world to see what an amazing dad he is too.
Another challenge came a few days later. I absolutely adore looking through old photos and I’ve been itching to get my hands on childhood photos of Paul! The opportunity finally arose on Wednesday and I got to dig through a huge box of photos of Paul, baby photos, a toddler with a cheeky face, ones as a little boy, on his first bike, in a school play, as a teenager. I wasn’t prepared for quite how that would make me feel. It’s so hard not to make comparisons and wonder what Lentil would have looked like at various stages. To see differences and similarities. To appreciate just how much I will miss out on without him. I still really enjoyed looking at the photos and I have kept a selection to show to Pip as he or she gets older.
A few weeks ago I made a new friend, a photographer called Hannah. She has her own business, Little Pixels, specialising in maternity, newborn and family photography. Hannah offered me a free maternity photo shoot and suggested that we could keep it a secret and surprise Paul with the pictures. I gave him the pictures yesterday and he was definitely surprised! He had no idea that I’d snuck off for a secret photo shoot! We took the photos in the woodland next to where Lentil is buried. It will always be such a special place to us and I’m so happy to have some lovely photos of my Pip bump.
Today I had a scan, I’m 35 weeks and a day and Pip has decided it’s time to get ready to meet us. After much squirming last night Pip is now in the head down position! It was our last ante-natal clinic today, our last scan. Next time we see the consultant it will be time to meet Pip. In some ways it seems to have taken forever to get to this point but in other ways it feels like it’s all happened incredibly quickly!
I feel like I could do with a bit of a rest, physically and emotionally! It’s been a far busier week than I’m used to, which has been really lovely as I do get bored at home on my own but I’m definitely ready to just put my feet up now and wait for Pip to arrive.