In around six weeks Pip should be here. In some ways I just can’t wait until the day of my c-section. I’m so excited to meet my baby and to know that everything is going to be ok. In other ways I’m absolutely dreading it. There is part of me that can’t stop worrying that birth means the end rather than the beginning. I’m becoming more and more anxious about how much Pip is moving, I want to feel movement all the time. I’m pretty sure that Pip will take a long time to sleep through the night as he or she doesn’t get to sleep for long before I start to panic and tickle the feet I can feel digging into my side or stroke the little head that keeps pushing my tummy forward. Pip is in a breach position which I love as it feels more like he or she is being cradled and gives me hope that I’ll have longer to get to hospital should I go into labour before my c-section is due.
I’m so desperate for everything to be ok, to reach that day and hold my baby, hear that cry, see my husband having tears of joy instead of the pain and anguish that was all over his face on the day that Lentil was born. I love looking at the photos that we have of Lentil but I find it very hard to look at the ones that have my husband and I in, we just look so broken. We were broken and it’s taken us a long time to get back to this level of fixed. I’m not saying we’re completely fixed, not by a long way but we’re functioning fairly well the majority of the time and I think that’s pretty good.
In about six weeks it will also be Lentil’s first birthday. I’m determined that we will have cake. I wanted to make a cake myself but I don’t think I’ll be able to because of the timing of Pip’s arrival. I am determined that we will celebrate. Celebrate that Lentil was in our lives, celebrate that we’ve survived, celebrate Lentil becoming a big brother, celebrate the money raised in memory of Lentil, celebrate the positive changes that he made to us and others.
In a lot of ways I can’t wait for these six weeks to be over, the nursery is ready, the clothes are washed, we just need to bring our baby home but in other ways I just want time to slow down. If Pip doesn’t make it I want to have cherished every moment with him or her. I want to read Pip more books, sing more songs, feel more wriggles, enjoy more hiccups, I want to keep the hope and excitement that I currently have. I am so ready for hope to be replaced with joy but so scared that it will be replaced with sadness instead.