As I’m sure I’ve mentioned before, I am a born worrier. I often worry about what to do in a range of imagined emergency situations. Before Lentil arrived I had considered doing an infant first aid course but had never quite got round to it. Now with Pip on the way and my anxieties flying out of control I decided it would be good to prepare myself for any emergencies that may crop up. I hope that by doing everything I can to combat my worries it will help to reduce my overall level of anxiety. I’m a member of my local ‘bumps and babies’ group so I posted on their Facebook page and asked if there would be any interest in an infant first aid course. The level of interest was much higher than I imagined it would be and a friend who I had met at pregnancy yoga got on the case and organised not one but two courses!
Yesterday my husband and I attended the course. I have to admit that I was apprehensive. I knew that at least one of my friends from pregnancy yoga would be there with her son. He was born just a few days after Lentil and I can’t help thinking about what might have been when I see pictures of him growing up and hitting milestones on Facebook. I had avoided seeing any friends from pregnancy yoga as I really wasn’t sure whether or not I would cope. There were two friends there from pregnancy yoga, with their children and also a couple of faces I recognised from my previous antenatal course. In reality the concern about seeing them was completely unfounded. I love babies. There’s no escaping that fact. Losing my own little boy doesn’t make me adore babies any less! I sat next to a friend from pregnancy yoga and actually the smiles and squeals from her little boy cheered me up immensely throughout the session.
What I rather stupidly hadn’t considered was how upsetting the actual course content might be. On entering we found ourselves in a room with six resuscitation baby dolls on the floor. Six lifeless little bodies, thankfully they were all dressed in pink which did actually help a little but I found it impossible not to make comparisons. During the session we were taught how to resuscitate a baby and we all had a go resuscitating the dolls. Sitting here writing this I can’t believe that I hadn’t considered how this might affect me. It seems so obvious now in retrospect. I was worried during the course that Paul might be having the same thoughts as me and that I’d made him do this course that could be stirring up all sorts of feelings for him. I asked him afterwards and I needn’t have worried as he assures me that it didn’t even cross his mind.
I was worried last night that I would have nightmares about trying to resuscitate Lentil. In reality I did have some slightly bad dreams but they were all about being late. I can’t help but see a link, if I’d been four hours earlier delivering Lentil they may have been able to resuscitate him.
Despite the negative thoughts that came with the course I am really glad that I did it. I feel better prepared to deal with any emergency situation that may arise. I met with friends from yoga and their babies and didn’t find it even slightly traumatic, it was so lovely to see them. I addressed two fears in one day and I didn’t even cry once!