Facing Fears

So, today is the day that I start pregnancy yoga again.  I’m feeling really nervous.  It’s something I’ve been wanting to go back to for a while.  I went to pregnancy yoga while I was pregnant with Lentil and I really enjoyed it, I also made some lasting friendships.  I’m nervous for so many reasons.  It will be strange going back to that place, I was last there when I was pregnant with Lentil, just weeks from my due date and so excited at the prospect of finally getting to meet my baby.  I haven’t seen my yoga teacher since that day although we have exchanged emails and she is aware of what happened to Lentil.  It will be strange going there with a different baby growing inside me and with a different group of people.  I haven’t seen my friends from yoga since that day either, I haven’t been able to bring myself to see how their lives have changed and moved on while mine has stood still.  I am seeing some of them in just over a week though so another hurdle will be faced and overcome.

One of my biggest worries is ‘what do I say?’.  At the beginning of each session there is a time to introduce ourselves, to talk about how many weeks pregnant we are and to say if we have any other children.  How do I answer?  I keep trying to work out the wording in my head.  I want everyone to know about Lentil, I’m so proud of him and I will never omit or deny his existence but I also don’t want to scare a room full of pregnant ladies.  Will I be able to take my turn without breaking down in front of a room full of people I don’t know?  

Then there are the visualisations / relaxations, can I think about giving birth or meeting Pip without being drawn back to Lentil’s birth and falling apart?  In all honesty I don’t know.  I consider myself to be a pretty strong person but am I going to find it too hard?  There is only one way to find out.  Luckily my teacher is lovely and I know that she will be supportive.  My husband is going to drive me there and collect me as I’m still quite nervous about driving having not really done it in so long so it takes another worry away.

I also have some really silly concerns.  I am so much bigger this time than I was last time, what if people are shocked that I still have so long to go?  What if I can’t do the yoga?  I’m so much more unfit than I was when I was pregnant with Lentil.  I’m heavier and less active.  This is a ridiculous worry as the only way to get fitter is to become more active again, hence the yoga!

I’m really aware that I’m becoming a bit of a recluse.  In all honesty I’d quite like to hide in my house until Pip is here but I know that isn’t healthy, physically or mentally.  I need to start pushing myself again as I’ve been too soft on myself of late.  I’ve made sure that I’ve told my midwife and some other people about my plans to go to yoga this week.  I feel like there’s less opportunity to back out of it that way!  

It’s now about an hour until yoga begins and I’m feeling really nervous.  I’ve blown up my yoga ball (which to be honest was quite emotional in itself, it’s been hiding, deflated in the nursery, since Lentil died), and have found a blanket and pillow.  I’ve even brushed my hair and tied it back for the first time in far too long.  Do I feel ready? No, I feel sick and I want to back out and resume my normal evening position on the sofa.  I’m determined that that won’t happen, not least of all because I know I’d be in trouble with Paul!

  

Well, I did it, and I survived.  There were some tears and some difficult moments but largely it was good, and I know that with each week it will get easier.  I immediately felt emotional when I entered the building and saw my yoga teacher but the hugs she gave me helped.  When the dreaded introductions came it wasn’t too bad, thankfully there were only three of us there this evening so a nice small group to go into.  I used my introduction to warn the others that I was highly emotional.  I’d been to pregnancy yoga before and I ended up losing my little boy.  I didn’t give details, it didn’t feel necessary and I don’t want to scare anyone.  I just told them that if I was randomly crying it was fine and just to ignore me.  Everyone was lovely.

It took me a while to pull myself together after the initial intros, I managed to join in but kept having to wipe away my silent tears.  It didn’t take too long for the distraction of tricky exercises to take over though.  All was fine for the rest of the one and a half hour session although I have to admit that I found it hard to keep my mind on track during the relaxation.  I felt bad for concentrating on Lentil and my sadness that he is missing rather than focusing on Pip.  I’m going to try harder to concentrate on the words spoken during the relaxation next time to try to distract myself from sadness and focus on the positivity that comes with thinking of Pip.

Pip clearly enjoyed yoga as I had some lovely wriggles while I was there.  I’ll be going back next week.  It will be hard but easier than it was this week.  Plus I’ve earned myself a Cadbury’s Caramel egg for my efforts this evening.  I think it’s important to recognise and reward successes!

5 thoughts on “Facing Fears

  1. Yay well done you! I could relate to every single word you wrote in this post! You definitely deserve your caramel egg. I was at pregnancy yoga tonight too and am now on the sofa with chocolate cookies and some milk!!! I’m sure it will get easier and although you will have some sad emotional moments you will also have lovely moments of gratitude and bonding with Pip x

    Liked by 2 people

  2. Well done! You recognised all the causes of your anxiety about returning t yoga but you went anyway, confronted the fears, and you overcame them. You should be really proud of yourself.

    I was “lucky” when I lost my baby as I lived in a small, relatively remote, rural community where everyone knew of everyone else so everyone knew what had happened to me – even if they didn’t know the details – and I rarely had to do any explaining. I had one horrible moment when I first went back to the dentist and the receptionist was clearly the only person to have not heard but that is why it was a shock. However, whenever I had medical appointments and had to be among other pregnant women, it was really difficult to navigate that small talk chit chat stuff because – as you say – I did not want to deny what had happened to my last baby, didn’t want to negate his existence, but also didn’t want to freak out a bunch of pregnant women. I tended to vary my phrasing depending on how emotional I was feeling at the time. I am not sure I ever got it right because I was barely ever aware of what words were tumbling from my mouth.

    Anyway, well done again and I do hope you enjoyed your well deserved caramel egg.

    Liked by 2 people

  3. Well done Becca, Lentil will always be a part of our lives but I think it is lovely to look forward to welcoming Pip into the world and our family and for you to have taken such a big step forward, I am very proud of you xxx❤️

    Liked by 2 people

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