This year has without a doubt been the hardest of my life but it’s also been one of the best. I started to feel Lentil moving for the first time this year, and I’ve started to feel the first flutters of movement from Pip too. The first five and a half months of 2015 were filled with excitement and joy at the prospect of meeting Lentil and becoming a mum. They were hard months physically but I knew that they would be worth it in the end, and they were. I’d go through so much more just to spend five more minutes holding my son. The second half of June, July and August seemed to drag past in a fog of sadness and grief but through that time my relationship with Paul grew stronger and stronger, as he said in his Christmas card to me this year “if we can get through 2015 we can get through anything” and he’s right.
Gradually hope, smiles and even laughter crept back into our lives and in October we discovered that we were expecting Pip. We’ve had scares, bleeds and being diagnosed with an underactive thyroid. But we’ve also seen Lentil’s little brother or sister on scans and have been reassured that he or she is fine. For Christmas Paul bought me the best present I could have asked for, as many ultrasound scans as I need to reassure me, the first one is booked for the day after tomorrow. I can’t wait to see Pip again although I still feel really nervous as movements are very few and far between at present, I’m only 15 weeks today so lucky to have felt anything at all.
So yes, 2015 has been a rollercoaster and if I could change it so that Lentil was here, ready to be a big brother I undoubtedly would but if I could erase the last year I wouldn’t even consider it. I’ve been the happiest I’ve ever been and I’ve felt sadness beyond what I knew was possible. I’ve shown how strong I can be and I’ve seen my relationship with Paul truly tested and not just surviving but thriving. I became a mum. We raised a huge amount of money for the special unit at Derriford that looked after us when Lentil died and we will be raising more next year. I am proud of 2015, I’m proud to have survived and to have found the positives. I’m hopeful for a happy, healthy 2016 and wish you all one too x