All I Want For Christmas Is You Baby

I knew that Christmas would be tough but I didn’t expect all of the little things that have caught me off guard and sent me into a sniffling mess.  It was inevitable that we would feel that Lentil was missing from our Christmas celebrations this year and we will do for every year from now on.  We should have a happy, smiling, giggling, gurgling, drool monkey to share our Christmas with.  Lentil should be excited by all of the colours and lights, he should be trying to eat our decorations and trying Christmas foods for the first time (our dog Maisy did try to help by eating a decoration off the tree but it wasn’t really the same).  Instead I’ve been trying my best to make a wreath to put on his grave.  I want to give him something, include him in Christmas in some way.  As he’s in a natural burial ground I can’t buy a wreath as they contain wire and glue, I need something completely natural that will break down over time.  There is a reason why wreath makers use wire and glue, it’s really hard to make one without!   

Last year when we put the decorations away we thought that Lentil would be here when we got them back out of the attic, a Christmas book that I’d planned to read to Lentil this Christmas had me silently in tears once again.  I miss Lentil, we both do, so much.  Paul was putting a cardboard tube in the recycling yesterday and I thought about how Lentil probably would have liked to play with it.  Paul then turned to me and said “I miss Lentil, cardboard tubes are so fun when you’re little”, then we listed all the things that it could be; a telescope, binoculars (if chopped in half), a periscope, something to bop someone on the head with, an oar…the list goes on.  Lentil would be far too young to have enjoyed any of that this Christmas (apart from maybe the bopping people with it) but we would have enjoyed it!  It’s not just six month old Lentil that we’re missing.  We’re missing his whole future.

It’s our first Christmas as parents yet there are no smiling children awaiting Santa’s visit in our house.  I’ve decided I need to start looking at this differently though.  We miss Lentil and we will every year but this isn’t just our first Christmas without Lentil, it isn’t just our first Christmas as parents, it’s Pip’s first Christmas too.  So that Christmas book will be read, not as it was meant to be, cuddling Lentil but to Pip.  Probably by Paul rather than by me as he’s much braver and will be able to hold it together when I can’t.  Pip is our glimmer of light, Lentil had a nice family Christmas last year, safely snuggled inside me, now it’s Pip’s turn and I won’t let my sadness ruin it.

4 thoughts on “All I Want For Christmas Is You Baby

  1. Christmases are tough. They continue to be tough even after the safe arrival of a rainbow baby and the passage of time. The emphasis on family times and togetherness, the sense of another year coming to its conclusion, makes me feel the absence of my son keenly. Really I miss him every day, miss the possibility that was his life, think about all the things my other sons are doing that my stillborn son won’t ever get to experience or achieve, so Christmas is just an acute period for those type of thoughts. We don’t have a place for my son’s remains: he was so tiny that there were no ashes to collect. Retrospectively I’m glad of that since our emigration would have made it impossible to visit his special place. Instead, we subtly make him part of Christmas. My living boys have special ornaments on the tree so we add ornaments to the tree for the baby too. My husband and I also make sure to talk about our thoughts and feelings with each other, so as to decompress emotionally. Anyway, it sounds like you have found the perfect approach for getting through a difficult first festive season without Lentil. I wish you and yours a merry Christmas and all the best for the new year.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Every time I read one of your posts I marvel at your strength, and this one is no different. I am so pleased for you and your family that you have something to look forward to and lift your spirits. I hope that among all your mixed emotions you are able to have a joyful Christmas and an exciting new year xx

    (P.s. You probably don’t remember me but I was in your yoga class!)

    Liked by 1 person

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