We had another counselling session this week. I say ‘we’ but actually it’s all very focussed on me and Paul is more of a bystander. I had hoped that it would include us working through things together more although Paul and I feel that we are coping well with our grief and the loss of Lentil and that my anxiety (and his to a lesser degree) is where we need to focus the counselling. The counsellor asked me this week about how I had found the previous session. I was proud of myself for being honest, telling her that I didn’t like it and that there were a lot of positives that came with Lentil and that I didn’t want those positives lumped into a box with the trauma of his birth and of losing him.
We focussed on my anxiety and on how I can regain my independence. I have been feeling anxious since Lentil’s death, when I discovered that I was pregnant with Pip that anxiety grew. I was beginning to get it under control and had started to be able to leave the house without Paul but then I had a significant bleed (whilst out and while Paul was away with work) and my anxiety skyrocketed while my confidence plummeted. I was also diagnosed with an under active thyroid which it turns out can make you depressed, anxious and lethargic.
This week in counselling I set myself a challenge of driving to my parents house and also visiting a friend, without Paul. I was set to go out on this mini adventure tomorrow. Things are never easy though are they!? In August I contacted the DVLA because I noticed that there was a restriction on my licence that I had been unaware of – modified control layout. I learnt to drive in a classic mini and I couldn’t reach some of the switches so my dad moved them for me. When I upgraded to a slightly newer and dare I say it? More reliable car I spent a long time trying every car on the market. Determined to find one I could manage without modifications. I don’t qualify for any help with modifications and they are incredibly expensive so it seemed sensible to find the right car. Eventually we settled on a Mercedes C Class. It was more expensive than we would have liked but cost less than buying a cheaper car and modifying it. When I realised the restriction on my licence I panicked that my insurance wouldn’t be valid so contacted the DVLA, they said it would be fine and that they could remove the restriction as it was advisory rather than compulsory. This week they wrote and told me that they made a mistake. I’m not allowed to drive my car as it isn’t adapted (because I don’t need it to be). So I can’t complete my challenge and I’m stuck at home! So much for regaining my independence!
I’m now faced with the prospect of either having a driving assessment or retaking my driving test, I can’t say I’m thrilled at the idea of either of those! Luckily it’s Paul’s last day in the office tomorrow until after Christmas so I won’t be trapped at home for long but relying on him further isn’t going to help me to regain my independence.