Today Lentil would have been six months old. I can’t help wondering how big he would have been and if I still would have been able to lift him. We went to his grave yesterday, I like going to his grave, it’s so beautiful there. The leaves have now fallen from the trees and it looks completely different but still beautiful and peaceful. I’m fine walking to the grave, telling Lentil I love him, standing beside it, smiling with Paul about the new molehills that have appeared.
I just really struggle to leave, every time I walk away I feel like I’m abandoning him. Every time it takes me back to the day at the hospital when we had to ask the midwife to take Lentil away because we knew that the longer we stayed with him the harder it would be to leave without him. It takes me back to leaving him at the chapel of rest, knowing it would be the last time that I’d see his perfect little face. I know he’s with me, snuggled safely in my heart and in the hearts of everyone who loves him but it doesn’t make walking away any easier.
I like to think that Lentil is looking out for Pip, 12 weeks and 4 days into my pregnancy with Lentil’s little brother or sister. We’ve had a few scares but each time Pip has been ok, I like to think that, in part, that’s down to Lentil.
Pip did some lovely posing at our 12 week scan, showing us that at the moment his or her arms are the same length and he or she has at least one thumb. Pip’s clearly going to be a thumb sucker as it’s started already! We’re excited about Pip and so ready for him or her but I feel like our excitement is muted compared to the excitement that we felt with Lentil. I guess it’s that lack of naivety again. I keep thinking of the saying ‘don’t count your chickens before they hatch’.
Every twinge scares me, the thought of waiting until February for our next scan feels like far far too long. I want to be able to feel Pip moving, I felt Lentil move at around 17 weeks so I’m hoping that it won’t be too much longer. I’m really hoping that Pip is a massively overactive baby as I know that I’ll panic whenever I don’t feel movement!
It wasn’t long ago that there were just the three of us, Paul, Maisy (our slightly insane rescue dog) and I and now we’re a family of five. Paul, Maisy, Lentil, Pip and I. I just wish that Lentil was here with us, getting ready for Christmas and celebrating being six months old.