I started writing this blog post a while ago and was planning to keep it quiet for a little longer but as you’ll see recent events have changed my mind…
Today is October the 17th, exactly one year ago today we found out that I was pregnant with Lentil. Today we discovered that Lentil is going to be a big brother. If all goes well Pip will be with us in June, due on the 23rd. The due date would be the 24th, just like Lentil but it’s a leap year so it’s the 23rd instead. I feel so many different emotions. I’ve been particularly tearful for the last few days, mainly because I thought I might be pregnant and not knowing was getting to me. Maisy knew. A few weeks ago she sat on my lap and kept sniffing my tummy. She’s also become ultra protective of me again and is cuddling me far more.
There have been really beautiful skies today, Paul likes seeing sun beams through the clouds, he says they’re Lentil letting us know he’s ok. Today there were loads of beautiful sun beams shining through the clouds. I told Paul that Lentil must be happy about being a big brother. I made us both cry. I’m so excited. I’m so ready to have a baby. I love the fact that it’s ok if I’m wearing maternity clothes now because I am pregnant again. I missed the excitement of pregnancy and now it’s returning.
I’m also anxious, I’m worried that something will go wrong, would we and our families survive another loss? I can’t allow myself to think like that. I will look after Pip, I will do the best I possibly can and I will hope, I feel like I’m allowed to hope again. I will hope that Pip is healthy and that we will be able to watch him or her grow up and live a long, happy and healthy life.
It’s been four days since we discovered Pip! I couldn’t sleep the first two nights after we found out, it’s starting to sink in now and I’m managing to sleep a bit more. I’ve also joined the SANDS forum groups section. There are groups for each trimester of pregnancy. I’m enjoying talking to other people who are going through the same roller coaster of emotions as I am.
I also discovered yesterday that one of my best friends is also expecting, she’s about a week and a half further along than me. She had been worried about telling me as her baby is due on Lentil’s birthday. I’m so excited that we will be going through this together. Another of my best friends was pregnant at the same time as me when I was pregnant with Lentil and it made such a difference having a friend to talk to about everything. I’m really glad that I knew I was pregnant before finding out that my friend’s baby is due on Lentil’s birthday though, I’m so so happy for her but I think I would have found that hard. I appreciate that the due date is very rarely when a baby arrives but it still seems a bit scary.
I’m finding it hard to know who to tell, I want to tell everyone about Pip but it’s so early. I don’t want to cause anyone any sadness if everything goes wrong. At the moment we’re letting people know who we know would support us if everything did go wrong. I feel like if it were all to go wrong and Pip doesn’t make it I want to have shared good news before I have to share bad news. I want Pip to be celebrated. I’m trying to focus on this, I’m trying not to allow myself to go mad with worry. I know that I can’t do anything to help at this point. I will eat healthily, I’ll look after myself but realistically what happens to Pip is beyond my control. All I can do is be grateful that right now I am pregnant, right now there is a baby growing inside me. I can fill Pip with love and happiness and hope. Anxiety and worry will not help. I know this, the logical side of me is fully onboard. The illogical side however still has a way to go. For now I will hope and I will love.
It’s been just over a week since we discovered Pip and all seems well, I’m relaxing into the pregnancy more and although its still early days we have begun to tell more people. The week before we found out about Pip I arranged a meeting with my boss about going back to school. The meeting is the week after next and I haven’t quite worked out what I’m going to say yet. Friends have been asking how I’m feeling about going back and I’ve decided to answer honestly, saying that I’m unsure what I want to do now as I’m pregnant again. I love saying those words. I’m really enjoying making people cry with happiness for a change!
In terms of work I really can’t decide what to do. I was planning to go back after the Christmas holiday but as it gets closer I get more worried. Especially now, because of Pip. I want to put Pip first, I don’t want to add any additional stress to the pregnancy. I don’t want to mess my school around, I found it hard to manage physically at the end of the pregnancy with Lentil and I ended up having quite a few sick days. This is hard in any job but when you teach young children it’s very unsettling for them. I’ve also found that I have less control over my emotions again, I think it’s part hormones, part tiredness, part fear, part relief, there’s so much going on in my head, I feel like I wouldn’t be able to do my job well. If I’m at work I need to be on top of my game, it’s not fair on the children I teach otherwise. I also worry about putting a class full of children, a school full of children, through watching my pregnancy develop and then it all going wrong again. I know that I mustn’t think like that. Of course I’m hoping (with every ounce of my being) that everything goes perfectly but I feel like I’ve lost my naivety about pregnancy. I know what can happen and I want to protect my other children, those I teach, from knowing the horror of what can happen.
I bought a copy of Bump to Birthday this week, it’s a pregnancy journal, the same one that I used during my pregnancy with Lentil. When I was pregnant with Lentil I put off buying a journal as I was worried about getting excited too early and losing Lentil. Now I realise how important it is for me to record Pip’s life, right from the beginning. The journal starts at week nine and despite the fact that I think it’s really important to keep a journal I haven’t yet managed to open the parcel that contains Pip’s journal. I’m not sure why, hopefully I’ll find the courage soon.
This week has been a bit of a rollercoaster. I had a tiny bit of bleeding and a bit of abdominal pain so I asked for an early scan. We went for the scan today and Pip is fine. 9 weeks and 1 day old and growing perfectly. I’m so relieved!
Pip did a lovely little shimmy for us during the scan. We could see a head and the beginnings of arms and legs and a lovely little heart beating away. I can’t deny I shed a few tears. It seems so much more real now.
I finally plucked up the courage to write in my Bump to Birthday book today. Pip’s been here for just over 10 weeks now, we’re over a quarter of the way through the pregnancy. I’m just so desperate for Pip to be ok, June can’t come quickly enough!
I went for my blood test today, I always have to go to a particular nurse because the blood has to be taken from the back of my hand or the top of my feet. I always feel sorry for the nurse, I’m sure she dreads it even more than I do! I asked her to go straight for my foot today and she only had to make one hole! Pretty impressive for four vials of blood, and I only have a disappointingly pale bruise to show for it! (Please excuse the sticky plaster marks, I can’t reach my foot to scrub them off!)
Today I’m terrified, it’s the 1st of December, Paul is away and I started to bleed again. There’s quite a lot more blood than last time and I’m so scared that I’m going to lose Pip. I already love him or her so much and I’m not sure what to do if we’re told the worst.
Luckily I was with a friend when I started bleeding and she was brilliant. She made me lie down and phone my midwife and really reassured me. My midwife has arranged another scan at the early pregnancy unit for tomorrow. The next decision was what to tell Paul. He was supposed to be away until tomorrow afternoon with work but I decided that he should know and I knew he’d want to be there for a scan. I phoned him and immediately turned into a blubbering mess. He just phoned to say he’s rearranged everything and he’s on his way back home.
I keep telling Pip how loved he or she is, I’m willing him or her to be ok. I’m with my parents at the moment, watching rubbish on tv to distract me. They wanted to take me straight to the hospital but I don’t want to go without Paul. If Pip is ok I don’t want Paul to miss out on the chance of seeing him or her. If Pip isn’t ok I want us to find out together. We were told that Lentil had died separately and I don’t want to be in that situation again. I really am trying to stay positive. I know lots of women have some bleeding during pregnancy. I just want to see a little beating heart on the scan tomorrow.
Pip is ok! I’m so relieved! They said that they could see where I’d been bleeding but that it was ok, there may be some more bleeding but hopefully it will all be ok. We saw Pip’s arms, they’re the same length at the moment and he or she can touch his or her head with them so all is good so far. We even saw a glimpse of a tiny hand!
I was planning to wait to announce Pip until we reached 12 weeks, we’re currently at 10 weeks and 6 days and after the scary experience of yesterday and today I’ve decided that I really want the world to know about Pip and to celebrate his or her existence.