Today Lentil would have been four months old. I miss him so much every day, I still shed a few tears for him each day, for all that he is missing out on, for the void left, for the future we had imagined. I love him so much. It’s hard to believe how much you can love someone who was with you for such a short amount of time. I worry that people will remember Lentil as a tragedy rather than the joyful little being that he was. I have a baby book where I recorded my pregnancy, there is a page for a letter to my baby and so I have written to my beautiful boy. I filled in my pregnancy journal every week, I was terrified that something would go wrong and that our child would need it as a link to me, to know what I was like. I never dreamt that it would be a link to my son, that all of the memories held in there would be for me to reminisce over.
My gorgeous Lentil Bear,
I want you to know that you are the best thing that has ever happened to me. You filled me with joy for nine months while I waited to hug you. You showed me the beauty that can come from the love that your daddy and I share. You made me a mummy. I know that you would have been full of fun and giggles and smiles. I can’t hear Salsa music without thinking about it being the only music that encouraged you to dance. That doesn’t make me sad though Lentil, it makes me smile, I loved feeling you dance. Everything about knowing you makes me smile. Seeing your face for the first time was such a special moment for your daddy and I. I wish that things had been different, I wish that we had heard you cry, I wish that we knew the colour of your eyes, I wish that we could have brought you home, I wish that four months on I was holding you rather than writing this, I wish that I knew your giggle and your smile. But that doesn’t mean that I don’t appreciate everything that we did get.
We got to hold you, to look at you and to take in all of your features. You had my ears, my mouth and chin, yet you looked really like your daddy, you had his weird double jointed toes too. I wonder if you could have used your feet to do things like we both can, I bet you would have done. Sometimes I see you when I look at your daddy, I wonder if your chin would have wobbled when you cried like mine does. You had such big hands and feet and you were so long, I think you would have grown taller than your daddy, you would definitely have been taller than me! Probably by the time you were about twelve!
Never ever think that I would change you, I love you so much and I would never wish you away, I would never wish that you hadn’t happened. My only wish is that we could have kept you forever, to have seen you grow up, to have known all there was to know about you. Although I do know that you loved potatoes and milk and that you had weird phases where you wanted quavers or soup. I know that you liked to dance to salsa music. I know that warm tea made you wriggle more than cold drinks. I know that you tended to be a little hyper after chocolate. I know that you liked having your feet tickled and pushed them towards my hand. I know that you knew your name and would wriggle when you heard your daddy and I talking about you. I know that you didn’t like to move for other people to feel, always stubbornly refusing to wriggle when others wanted to feel your movements. I know that you liked to pose for the camera at our ultrasound scans. I know that you wanted to show your thumbs off to me in the scans to stop me telling you to remember to grow them! I know that you liked your daddy saying goodbye to you before he went to work and saying hello when he got home. I know that you were a cheeky monkey who liked to kick midwives who tried to listen in to your heartbeat. I know that you were the most beautiful little boy I could have wished for and that I will continue to miss you forever but that my life is better for having known you.
I didn’t know it was possible to love your daddy more than I did before you were in our lives, but I do. You would have adored him Lentil. The fact that you can’t grow up with him as your daddy is one of the things that makes me saddest of all. He would have taught you to ride a bike, to love books and animals, he would have taken you running and swimming. He would have taken you rock pooling at the beach. He would have made me constantly worry about whether what you were doing was safe, although it always would have been because he would never have allowed you to be in danger. I know that the two of you would have been the best of friends, camping in the garden and building Lego models together. My beautiful boys.
I know that one day your daddy and I will be parents again, you will have siblings, but you will always be our first born, you will always hold such an incredibly special place in our hearts. Nothing will ever change that.
I love you so much Lentil and you have made my life better in so many ways.
With all of my love,