Yesterday Lentil would have been 12 weeks old. It seems crazy, 12 weeks already. I can’t help thinking about what he would be like now. What his smile would look like, how much his hair would have grown, the colour of his eyes, the sound of his laughter, how big he’d be now, whether or not he’d still fit in his pram (at 59cm he would have been filling it pretty well from birth). I’d give anything to know all of these things. I said to Paul just the other day that I must be the only person wishing that I had an overflowing laundry bin and a washing line full of reusable nappies. He pointed out that sadly I’m probably not the only one. It makes us so sad to think of all of the families that have to endure a loss like ours.
People often talk about children growing up too fast, I can only hope that if and when Lentil’s siblings come along they get to grow up. Growing old doesn’t frighten me, I just hope that I get to do it and to see Lentil’s siblings do the same. My greatest wish is to be a grandmother. Perhaps a strange wish for someone to have at 32 but my wish used to be that I wanted to be a mother. I’ve never been particularly interested in a career. I love teaching but that’s because the children are fantastic and I love watching how they progress through the year. If I’m completely honest when considering a career path I thought that teaching would be a good preparation for being a mum; my real goal. Now I am a mum, I gave birth to a son, and I am so so proud of him, my wish has been granted yet I’ve never felt so unfulfilled. So now my wish has changed. I want to be a grandmother, preferably a great grandmother. I want to have children and to watch them grow up and have children of their own. I want to watch Paul being the best dad, grandad and hopefully great grandad they could ever ask for, I know he will be, he is to Lentil. He couldn’t love him any more than he does.
I really am beginning to heal emotionally, there still hasn’t been a day when I haven’t cried but it’s usually a few tears silently rolling down my cheeks now rather than the sobbing that takes your breath away and makes you ache. Grief is the price we pay for love, my tears and the sadness I feel are just reflections of my love for Lentil.
I appreciate that it can be hard for people to know whether or not to talk about Lentil with us, people don’t want to make me cry or to upset us. It’s really lovely when people do talk about him though. I feel awkward bringing him up in conversation at times. I’m never sure whether it will make me cry and I don’t want to make other people feel uncomfortable although I’m getting better at putting a brave face on and saving the tears for later.
Yesterday we visited Lentil’s grave. It’s such a beautiful place. I decided a while ago that I want to make an album of photos at the burial ground. We won’t have photos of Lentil sitting unaided, his first ice-cream, first trip to the beach, first day at school, birthdays, Christmases, graduation ceremonies, weddings, we can’t have any of that. Lentil isn’t with us but he’s growing in a different way, becoming one with nature and so I want to record how he grows and changes as part of his environment.
The trees are slowly growing and the grass on Lentil’s grave almost covers it now. There’s a lot of new growth although the grass is kept fairly short by the rabbits. We took some flowers and a carrot to Lentil’s grave. We like to think of the bunnies visiting him. Eventually this area will be woodland, next to the burial ground there is more established woodland, it’s a beautiful, peaceful place to visit and to remember our little man. I’m sure he would have loved running, jumping and hiding in amongst the trees and I like to think that we’ll be able to visit with his siblings and they’ll do just that.
Yesterday, for the first time, I felt bored. Paul went for a bike ride, I decided to make some bread, while it was proofing I made a cake as I didn’t know what else to do with myself. I think that feeling bored is a real step forwards. For twelve weeks I haven’t really cared about what I do or don’t get up to. Baking or sitting in front of the TV have been enough but I think that may be changing, I hope it is. Next week I’m starting a dressmaking course and I’m beginning to look forward to the challenge.