One Foot In Front Of The Other

It’s been two months and 6 days since Lentil died.  Today I left the house on my own for the first time.  I also drove for the first time since April.  I couldn’t drive towards the end of my pregnancy as I couldn’t reach the steering wheel because of my bump.  I drove to Plymouth then got the train to Exeter to meet my friend, Emma and her baby, Poppy.  I found it hard to sleep last night, clearly my subconscious was more worried than I realised about today.  I got to Plymouth without a wobble but then found myself on a train sitting really close to a toddler with her mum.  I initially had a little internal panic when I realised but it was fine, she was a lovely little girl and her mum was lovely with her, singing her songs and reading her books to keep her entertained.

Once I arrived at Exeter Central train station I realised that the last time I had been there was when I was heavily pregnant when we had come for an Active Birth Course.  This hit me with a bit of a thump as I walked out of the station and past the park where we had had lunch that day.  Remembering the excitement that we had felt thinking about the baby we would soon meet.  I wish that my husband and I could go back to the happy, carefree people we were on that day.

I couldn’t stop and get lost in my thoughts though, I had to keep putting one foot in front of the other.  Emma and Poppy would be waiting.  Once I met Emma and Poppy I instantly felt better.  I’ve known Emma for 13 years, I lived with her for four of those years, she’s an amazing friend and I’m very lucky to have her.  

We shopped, we had lunch, we chatted, we laughed.  I had a really nice time, I was happy.  I had a few internal wobbles, we went into the nursery section of John Lewis, somewhere where Paul and I had looked at prams and car seats.  I couldn’t help imagining what it would be like if I had my beautiful boy there too, pushing him along in his pram next to Poppy.  The waitress in the restaurant that we went to for lunch asked how old Poppy was and I wondered what Lentil would have looked like two months on, how much would he have changed?

I feel like today I’ve met another challenge, overcome another hurdle.  I left the house on my own, I drove, I spent the day with a friend.  It was a little glimpse of normality.  I just need to keep putting one foot in front of the other.

6 thoughts on “One Foot In Front Of The Other

  1. Very well done for facing and accomplishing another challenge. Returning to places heavy with memories is so hard and being in situations that prompt all the “what ifs” and “I wonders” is hard too. It is interesting that you write about wishing you could go back to being the people you were that day. My husband and I often discuss the fact that there was a way life was before our son was stillborn and a life after. We were both just so completely changed as people and as parents by that experience. I suspect probably all traumatic life events create that rift.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Oh well done you! So many big steps! Seriously impressed with you facing the nursery section of John Lewis.

    I have the same thoughts about going back to how things were before. Believe it or not I even fondly think of our time waiting to be seen in the hospital ‘that’ day as we never thought anything was really wrong, we were chatting away about baby names and I keep thinking how that was the last time that my life was perfect. I had everything I wanted. No matter what ever happens in the future I will never feel that way again and that’s so sad.

    A taste of normality is good. I’ve had similar moments when meeting friends or colleagues and slipping in to normal conversations – the endless boyfriend drama with a friend or bitching about management with a colleague!

    You should be proud of yourself x

    Liked by 1 person

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