I can’t believe that it’s six weeks since Lentil died. I can’t believe it’s that long ago but I also can’t believe it happened so recently. I can’t believe it happened at all. Having so little tangible evidence of Lentil makes it hard to convince myself that he really existed. I don’t want my stretch marks to fade, they’re proof that he existed, that I carried him, he was here.
When Lentil was born I initially was unsure about whether or not we should take photos. The midwives encouraged us to do so and offered to take some for us. We chose to take the photos ourselves. We didn’t want Lentil dressed up or posed like a doll. I’m so glad now that we have the pictures, I look at them all the time, they reassure me that he was real. Often when I look at Lentil’s dad I can see him too.
We also took photos at the chapel of rest. I found it really hard to know whether or not to go and see Lentil there but the idea of not ever seeing him again when I could see him one last time was too much. I was scared that he wouldn’t look right, he’d had a post mortem and I was worried about what I would see. There was no need to be scared though. He was just my little boy. I tucked him in to the casket with a blanket, he was so cold. He had a teddy and a poem I wrote for him in there with him. He was dressed in a babygrow that was covered with rainbows because for me a rainbow symbolises him so well. There was rain because he didn’t make it but there was also sunshine because he gave us so much joy for nine months and I was so happy to finally see him and hold him.
I think it’s all only just starting to sink in. Just as everyone else is getting back to normal, it’s finally hitting me. I’m finding it harder to sleep. I go to sleep late and wake up early. I’m constantly playing games on my phone or reading the news. Anything to distract myself. Without a distraction all I can think of is the birth. What did I do wrong? Could I have done something differently? I don’t know how many times I’ve relived the moment that they told me that his heart had stopped but each time my heart still breaks.
I can’t help wondering what he’d be like now, 6 weeks on, how much would he have changed? I miss him so much, my beautiful boy xx